hour, an hour, and then he shows up.
The wife: "You said ten minutes, and I have been waiting here for an hour."
The husband: "Forgive me, there was too much traffic."
The wife: "This is not the first time. That's the way you are; always
late. You should have called me."
The husband: "My phone is out of credit, and I have no credit to call."
The wife: "How can I trustyou? Do you think I am stupid and that all I
have to do is to wait for you?"
He looks at her in confusion and stops talking.
Dear husband and wife,
The husband started witha real excuse, then he chose to protect his
marital bond through silence.
Change the "you" into an"I":
The term "you" is nothing but a formula forfailure in
communicatingwith your husband. It means: "You are guilty and
responsible and you have to change. But I am not responsible."
"I" means that you are thinking in an attempt tointerpret the cause of
anger. In the above example, the wife is angry, not because the
husband is late but because she feels that she is not important to
him, which leads to frustration and then anger. This emotion builds up
as time passes, and as her attempt to interpret the cause of his delay
continues, it leads to other thoughts:
"He always neglects me."
"He gives no importance to me."
"His work is more important to him than me."
"He thinks I have no feelings."
Another emotion:
Why not express the reaction to the delay by using a different emotion?
Feeling sad because she is lonely?
Being afraid that he should be concerned with anything more than her?
Feeling guilty lest she may have done something which made him come home late?
Fearing that something bad might have happened to him?
Sometimes, she could be glad because she managed to be ready before his arrival.
So, when she meets him, she could say:
"I am sad that you came home late, because this means that I am not
important to you."
"If only you knew how afraid I was because you were late… I thought
something might have happened to you and I was so worried about you."
"If only you knew how eagerly I await you coming home!"
Then, watch him with his eyes sparkling, approaching you, trying to
prove the opposite of that. No man on earth can resist such a
reception. If the man were to know that he would be received in
thisway, surely, he would do his best to arrive as soon as possible
the next time. Conversely, if he knows there will be a dispute, he
will say to himself, "A quarrel is awaiting me anyway, whether I am
late for ten minutes or anhour."
In order not to aggravatethe situation, the husband could have said to
her when he arrived, "Iknow that you are upset because I am late and
that you have been waiting for me. I apologize."
If each of the spouses leaves the "you" formula,the dialogue will
remain open, otherwise, frustration will recur, giving room for anger
and resentment to accumulate, which makesany further communication
even more difficult.
"I" means that you should ask yourself: "Whyam I aggravated?" If you
know and address the real cause of aggravation, the pent-upfeelings
will not accumulate and the reaction will not be negative.
Men must realize that women naturally incline towards caring for
others, and devote themselves wholeheartedly to doing so. When a
woman's husband is late, she is concerned about that, and may become
tense, and her life and housework may come to a halt because she is
worried about him.
The wife should realize that saying "I" instead of"You", and
expressing herself using her emotional intelligence will go a long way
towards maintaining the channels of communication between her and her
husband, instead of silence and an end to dialogue.
Iblees and Aadam… I and you
Consider, dear reader, the difference between the speech of Iblees
(Satan), may Allaah curse him, and the speech of Aadam . In the Noble
Quran, Iblees says (what means): } "My Lord, because You have put mein
error { [Quran 15:39] i.e. 'You are the cause', Exalted and Hallowed
be Allaah The Almighty from what he says. On the other hand, Aadam
says: } "Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves { [Quran 7:23] it means
he holds himself responsiblefor the sin.
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