mother or brothers or anyone else. He justifies this by saying that my
mother may say something that can spoilour relationship. It causes
problems between us if I refuse to tell him. Shall I respond to his
request?
Praise be to Allah.
1-
What this husband should do – if what his wife is saying about him is
true – is fear his Lord with regard to this demand that he is making
of his wife, and he should realize that heis sinning by doing this,
and that it is not permissible for his wife to obey him in this
matter.
2-
We advise this husband to focus on himself rather than other people,
and to look at his own faults and correct them, and to look at his own
shortcomings and strive to perfect his own self that is inclined
towards evil. That is better for him and is more appropriate than
focusing on other people and what they say and do. Ibn al-Qayyim (may
Allah have mercy on him) said:The greatest loser is the one who is
distracted from Allah by himself, and even worse off is the one who is
distracted from himself by other people. [Al-Fawaa'id].
3-
He should not think badly of people and believe that he is perfect,
because not everything that people say concerns him or has to do with
him, rather it is his desire to hear people's stories and find out
about their situations, and to rejoiceat their shortcomings.
4-
It is to be hoped that thishusband does not approve of his wife
telling him what her family and other people say to her, even if they
are talking about him, because by doing that she would be a
gossipmonger and one of the salaf (righteous predecessors) said: A
gossipmonger and a liar could cause more damage in an hour than a
practitioner of witchcraft could do in a year. So how about if he is
the one who tells her to do that, and even orders her to do so, and
threatens to punish her if she does not do it?
Al-Nawawi said, quoting from Abu Hamid al-Ghazali (may Allah have
mercy on them both):
The one to whom gossip comes, saying so and so said this about you, or
did that to you, should do six things:
1- He should not believe it, because the one who gossips is an evildoer.
2- He should tell him not to do that, and advise him, and condemn his action.
3- He should hate him for the sake of Allah, for he is hateful
before Allah, may He be exalted,and he should hate the one whom Allah
hates.
4- He should not think ill of his absent brother.
5- He should not let what he is told lead him to spy on others or
try tofind out about it.
6- He should not approve for himself what he told the gossipmonger
not to do,so he should not transmit the gossip and say "So and so said
such and such", in which case he would also be a gossipmonger and
would be doing that which he told someone else not to do. End quote.
[Al-Adhkaar]
5-
What this husband wants from his wife is nameemah (gossip) which is a
major sin. Undoubtedly passing on such gossip will lead to evil
consequences, severing of ties, resentment and enmity, and undoubtedly
the wife's family would hatefor their words to be passed on. He should
understand that gossip is not merely passing on what people say for
the purpose of causing trouble, rather it may be for the purpose of
enjoyment.
Shaykh 'Abd al-'Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allah havemercy on him) said:
What should be avoided and shunned totally is gossip which means
transmitting words fromone person to another, or from one group to
another, or from one tribe to another, with the aim of causing trouble
and creating problems between them.It means disclosing that which
should not be disclosed, whether it is disliked by the one from whom
it is transmitted or the one to whom it is transmitted or a third
party, and whether it is disclosed verbally, in writing, in symbols or
bygestures, and whether what is transmitted is words or actions, and
whether it refers to a fault or shortcoming in the person from whom
itis transmitted or not. A person should keep quiet about whatever
hesees of people's situations, unless speaking of it will bring some
benefit to a Muslimor ward off some harm.
The motive in spreading gossip is either ill will towards the person
of whom one speaks or to show love to the person to whom one speaks,
or to indulge in unnecessary talk and falsehood. All of that is
haraam.
There is a great deal of evidence in the Quran and Sunnah (prophetic
traditions) to show that gossip is haram (impermissible), such as the
verses in which Allahsays (interpretation of the meaning):
"And (O Muhammad) obey you not everyone Hallaaf Maheen (the one who
swears much and is a liar or is worthless).
A slanderer, going aboutwith calumnies" [68:10,11]
"Woe to every slanderer and backbiter" [104:1]
It was narrated that Hudhayfah (may Allah bepleased with him) said:
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
said: "No gossipmonger will enter Paradise" [Agreed upon]. And it was
narrated from Ibn Mas'ood (may Allah be pleased with him) that the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "Shall I not
tell you what is falsehood? It is nameemah (gossip), transmitting what
people say." [Muslim].
Gossip is one of the things that incur the punishment in the grave,
because of the report narrated by Ibn 'Abbas (may Allah be pleased
with him), according to which the Messenger of Allah (peace and
blessings of Allah be upon him) passed by two graves and said: "They
are being punished, but they are not being punished for anything that
was difficult to avoid." Then he said, "No. One of them used not to
protect himself from his urine, and the other used to walk around
spreading malicious gossip." [Agreed upon].
Rather backbiting and gossip are forbidden because they involve
attempts to cause trouble among people and create splits and chaos,
and fan the flames of enmity, rancour, destructive envy and hypocrisy,
and to take away love and friendship, by causing rifts and disputes
and resentment among brethren. It also involveslying, deceit, betrayal
and trickery, and making accusations against those who are innocent,
and giving in to slander and reviling and mentioning bad deeds and
qualities, and because they are a sign of cowardice, meanness and
weakness; moreoverthose who indulge in them commit sins which incur
the wrath of Allah and a painful punishment. Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn
Baaz.
It was said that al-'adhu (translated above a falsehood) means
witchcraft in the language of Quraysh, and it was said that it means
lies and fabrications.
Shaykh 'Abd al-'Azeez ibn Jibreen (may Allah preserve him) was asked:
My husband tells his family what I say, then he tells me what they
say, and that leads to many problems. I have often asked him not to do
that but he does not pay any heed. What should I do?
He replied:
This is called nameemah (malicious gossip), which means transmitting
what people say by way of stirring up trouble. As for the warning,
Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): " A slanderer, going about
with calumnies" [68:10,11]. This is a description of some of the
people of Hell. And Allah says (interpretationof the meaning): "Woe to
every slanderer and backbiter" [104:1]. This refers to the
gossipmonger. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
said: "No gossipmonger will enter Paradise." And accordingto a report:
A gossipmonger could cause more damage in an hour than a practitioner
of witchcraft could do in a year. And the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allah be upon him) stated that "The gossipmonger will be punished
in his grave." Undoubtedly the prohibition is more emphatic if the
gossip is among a man and his wife and relatives. He has to fear Allah
and remember that He is always watching him, and he should keep away
from things that will incur punishment in this world or the next. He
has to avoid lying, backbiting, gossip, slander and stirring up
trouble among people. He should be honest, protect people's
honour,fear Allah and rememberthat He is always watching, and that He
is stern in punishment. Endquote. Al-Hulool al-Shar'iyyah
li'l-Khilaafaat wa'l-Mushkilaat al-Zawjiyyah wa'l-Usariyyah by Shaykh
'Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreem.
So the husband must stop asking his wife to do this, and if he
persiststhen it is not permissiblefor his wife to respond to his
request. By agreeing to transmit what people say, one is persisting in
sin and listening to it, but by refusing one is refraining from it and
putting a stop to it.
If the wife is afraid that it will lead to troubles between her and
her husband, there is no sin on her, if her husband insists that she
should tell him what her family says, if she tells him that they
praised him and said good things about him, and other such words that
will spread love and friendly feelings, and will extinguish the flames
of fitnah (tribulation) and disputes between her husband and her
family.
We ask Allah to guide your husband and bring you together in a good manner.
And Allah knows best.
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