Is it to help one's mother at home?
Is it not to raise one's voice when speaking with her?
Is it to help one's father with his work?
Is it to be quiet and not disturb others?
Is it to do homework on time?
Is it one or all of these things?
The situation differs fromone home to another andfrom one family to another.
Therefore, dear people who are responsible for the children's
upbringing, dealing withchildren's bad behavior isthe most difficult
task related to upbringing. This is because each of ushas a strong
legacy of feelings towards this issue. With such diversity of feelings
and views towards the bad behavior of our children, we can answer this
question: Why don't our children learn good behavior?
The following are the main reasons enumerated by specialists as being
behind the children's inability to learn good behavior. They emanate
from the diversity of feelings towards the behavior that we are about
to change:
1. Rejecting the way we were raised:
You may harbor some unpleasant memories of the way you were
raised;(for example, you might have been slapped, locked up in your
room, punished with your siblings for an offense committed by one of
you,following the principle ofgeneralized punishment).
As such, you are resolved to avoid all of such methods, whether right
or wrong. Consequently, you bring up your children in a different way,
because you think that your parents followed a mistaken approach with
you.
This way of thinking is sound if you want to avoid the mistakes that
your parents made towards you and, therefore, do not want torepeat the
same mistakesin dealing with your ownchildren. However, it is wrong
when a child misbehaves and his parents do not react, because they
used to reject their parents' reaction to their misconduct. With this,
the child does not learn good behavior but instead, maintains the bad
one.
2. Raising children following the approach of one's parents:
On the contrary, some may boast about their parents and of how they
brought up the preceding generation. Hence, they wish to emulate their
method while considering other methods as quite mistaken, because they
believe that their parentswere more experienced, older and had a
deeper understanding. Thus, fathers imitate their fathers and mothers
copytheir mothers in bringingup their children, while maintaining all
the pros and cons.
This approach might be good if those responsiblefor the children's
upbringing want to benefit from the experience of their parents in
bringing up their children and adopting the relevant points of
distinction in this regard. The terrible mistake, however, is to make
only our parents the standard of correctness, for they are fallible
humans and it would not be wise to copy their mistakes.
3. Differences in methodsof upbringing and parents' beliefs:
Behavior that is bad in the eyes of the father may not be the same to
the mother, and vice versa, due to differences in beliefs and methods
whereby the father and mother have been brought up. This creates a
great deal of discord between the spouses who turn to dispute in front
of the children. The children would probably think that they are the
cause behind the problems taking place between their parents.
4. Reactions of grown-ups to us when we want to deal with children's misconduct:
Whether they are grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles or aunts, many
people cannot help making comments and expressing their opinionson
what they think is correct. Moved by good intentions, these people who
might be relatives ofthe child, or friends of the parents, or even
strangers, certainly have a great effect on parents and their children
when they interfere.
5. Parents' lack of focus on the child's individual needs and character:
Many parents follow the principle of generalization in dealingwhen
they change children's misbehavior. They do not differentiate between
those who make a mistake for the first time and those who regularly
make mistakes. Moreover, they do not distinguish between those who
misbehave intentionally and those who do so unintentionally; the old
and the young, males and females, and the obstinate and the compliant.
Thus, for many parents, it does notmake a difference to change the
children's misconduct in all these cases. They apply the principle of
generalization, which in reality incorporates grossinjustice and
affects the child's responsiveness to changing their bad behavior.
6. Not overlooking some matters:
A ten-month-old child enjoys throwing things off the chair, yet he
quickly grows up and, after eighteen months, he becomes adequately
capable of recognizing wrong behavior. Therefore, the challenge faced
by the family is to determine the suitable time to encourage the
children to apply the ideal behavior. A further challenge is to
cleverly disregard the children's behavior in the formativeyears;
because they do not realize the reality of their
behavior.Therefore,parents should have infinite patience with children
in this stage of life. They should maintain their safety, without
repressing their freedom.
7. Keeping in mind the norms of society:
Each society is dominatedby certain habits and traditions. Some of
these conform to Sharee'ah (Islamic legislation) and, therefore, it is
permissible to apply them.Allaah The AlmightySays (what means): }
Takewhat is given freely, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the
ignorant. { [Quran 20:199]However, certain well-established traditions
are often counter to Sharee'ah and,therefore, should be dismissed and
replaced with that which complieswith Sharee'ah . When parents try to
rectify the conduct of their children,they often experience an
opposition from society, because the adaptation might be opposite to
some social traditions. For example, when parents teach their child to
seek permission before they enter upon others, some people may say,
"Do not make things difficult for the child. Take it easy. The child
is still young." The proper attitude to be taken by parents is to
stand in the face of the bad habit thathas been established in
society, and teach their children the right conduct, and not be
affected by what others say.
8. Changing bad behaviorwith anger:
Many parents mistakenly teach their children goodconduct in a moment
of fury. They associate their instruction with shouting, a loud voice,
frowning and sometimes insulting and beating. This gives the children
anawful impression about good conduct and makes it unpalatable. This
is because in their subconscious mind, they associate good conduct
with beating, shouting and punishment. Consequently, teaching good
conduct should be separated from punishment. Rather, punishment may be
used after teaching, so as to comply with justice.Children can be
punished when they know what is right and do not adhere to it.
However, it would be unfair to punish them forsomething which they
donot know is wrong.
Before we conclude, we should provide those who are raising children
with a definition to identify good behavior:
Good behavior is what is commanded by Allaah The Almighty in the Quran
and taught by the Prophet, , and dictatedby the sound natural
disposition, conventions and traditions.
Good behavior should not be formulated from people's opinions or the
actions and traditions of relatives if they do not comply with the
Sharee'ah of Allaah The Almighty and the Sunnah (tradition) of the
Prophet, .
This is the good behaviorthat we want our children to uphold.
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