sub-institutions, like the institution of upbringing, the institution
of supplies and food, the institution of social relations, and the
institution of entertainment. The wife heads allof these institutions.
It is of no significance to try to amend the household without
amending thewife, and to amend the wife is to amend the entire
household. In confirmation of that, Allaah The Almighty Says (what
means) relating about Zakariyya (Zechariah) : } And amended for him
his wife. { [Quran 21:90] Inhis commentary on this verse, Ibn 'Abbaas
said, "Her speech was tough, thereupon Allaah The Almighty amended it.
It is also said that He made her capable of giving birth to children
and of good character." [At-Tabari]
The husband should be mainly concerned with amending, educating, and
teaching his wife, as well as improving her character. That is the
significanceof the Hadeeth narrated on the authority of 'Abdur-Rahmaan
ibn 'Awf from the Prophet, , where he said: "If the woman offers the
five [obligatory] prayers, observes the fasts of the month [of
Ramadhaan that is enjoined upon her], maintains her chastity, and
obeys her husband, it would be said to her: 'Enter Paradise from
whichever ofits gates you like.'" [Ahmad]
The command given to the wife to obey her husband puts great
responsibility on the husband, as it makes it incumbent upon him to
order her to do what Allaah The Almighty orders him to do. Then, it is
due upon the husband to endeavor to rescue his household from
destruction and to restore to his wife her power and capability to
raise the desiredgeneration.
The way to amend the wife
There are many practical steps to amend one's wife, including:
The first step
The correct understanding of the Quranic verse and Prophetic Hadeeths
that shed light on family relations form the first step towards
achieving this goal. From among those Hadeeths , wemay mention the
following:
It is narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of
Allaah, , said: "Treat women kindly, for a women is created from a
rib, andthe most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion; so,
if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it as it
is, it will remain crooked. So treat women kindly." [Al-Bukhaari and
Muslim]
Some people think that this Hadeeth adopts a problematic argument:
"Islam tells us that 'woman has been created from a crooked rib, in
such a way that if you come to straighten it, you would break it'. At
the same time, the husband is required to amend his wife under the
pretextthat 'if you leave it [the rib], it would remain crooked."
The truth of the matter is that there is no difficulty in this issue.
Amending one's wife depends upon three important points:
Patience : } And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be
steadfast therein. { [Quran 20:132]
Leniency : "Leniency is never found in anything but that it adorns
it." [Muslim] Both leniencyand patience are the fundamental parts of
amending anything, and should they gather together, they bring about
amendment in the best way.
Understanding : i.e. understanding the nature of the woman and her way
of thinking, as her priorities differ from thoseof the man. A wise man
is he who could accommodate his priorities and those of his wife.
Here, two points should be made clear to the husband:
A man fails when he starts to imitate the woman, and the woman fails
when she starts to imitate the man.
Familial life affairs are divided into two groups:
Some in which the woman has authority and the right to take decisions,
and those matters usually pertain to the house like the arrangement of
it, and giving it the touch of beauty. Henceforth, it is due upon the
man not to interfere in all things,lest he would spoil the world of
the woman.
Others are in connection with thedecision that is up to the man, while
preserving her right of consultation and expressing her opinion. That
is, in some affairs, the woman should be given full freedom,
particularly in those pertaining to the house; and other affairs
should be undertaken by the man. In this way, all life affairs may be
addressed suitably.
Islam does not require the husband to alter the priorities of his wife
and her feminine nature. Rather, it does not want him to be strict
with these priorities to the extent that the feminine identity is
removed from them, nor should those priorities lead the way for him
and his entire family.
It is narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of
Allaah, , said: "No believing man should hate a believing woman [his
wife] for if he hates a characteristic in her, he would like another
in her." [Muslim] The meaning of this Hadeeth is also included in the
former one, i.e. a woman might do something that would disturbher
husband; however, he shouldnot dislike her, but rather to reduce her
crookedness he has toentrust to her some affairs, whilekeeping the
whole matter under his observation.
There is a Quranic verse that talksabout the responsibility of the man
in amending his wife. Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): } And
enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein.
We ask you notfor provision; We provide for you,and the [best] outcome
is for [those of] righteousness. { [Quran 20:132]
Many a man engages in securing sustenance for his family but forgets
the great mission of enjoining upon them to offer prayer and do what
is necessary for life to be upright according tothe requirements of
Sharee'ah . Prayer is mentioned here in this verse because of its
great importance.
The second step
The husband should endeavor to enhance his wife's scientific and
educational level. This is of great importance for the wife. Many men
are too reluctant to help add to the young women they have married by
assisting in improving and introducing worthy traits. They want that
they take the wife from her family being an epitome of perfection,
being just as they like them to be, without contributingto building
her personality. Furthermore, they are not willingto accept in their
wives any flaw or mistakes.
Before a man blames his wife for her slips, he has to teach, educate
and prepare her in order to be a good, righteous mother, and which
mission is more vital than this?
Many men do not sit with their wives to teach them, although the
Prophet, , said: "The best of you is he who is best to his wife."
[At-Tirmithi and Abu Daawood] That applies not only to service and
co-operation in thehouse, but also to raising the wife's religious,
knowledge and intellectual levels.
The third step
He should treat her in such a way as makes her feel the affection and
mercy with which Allaah The Almighty described marriage in Islam when
He Said (what means): } And of His Signs is that He created for you
from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He
placed between you affection andmercy. Indeed in that are signs for a
people who give thought. { [Quran 30:21]
This is the shortest way to amend a wife. Kind people know for certain
the effect of kindness on others.
The fourth step
A husband has to respect his wife's dignity before her family and,
more particularly, before his family. This can deeply influence her,
which would make her readier to accept change for the better.
These four steps and others are included under a single Quranic
command (that means): } Advise them. { [Quran 4:34] To understand her
disposition, enhance her knowledge, and dealwith her kindly are all
included under the concept of advising and kind treatment commanded by
Allaah The Almighty in the verse (that means): } Keep [her] inan
acceptable manner. { [Quran 2:229]
It is a great mistake of a man to try to amend his wife by
invertingthe sequence that is mentioned in the verse in which Allaah
The Almighty Says (what means): } Men are in charge of women by [right
of] what Allaah has given one over the other and what theyspend [for
maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly
obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allaah would have
them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first]
advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed;
and[finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no
means against them. Indeed, Allaah is Ever Exalted and Grand. { [Quran
4:34]
Some husbands begin the process of amending their wives by forsaking
them in bed or by striking them, forgetting that they should come upon
the first and essential stage, i.e. that of advising and instruction.
That inverted sequence of amendmentnecessarily leads to unrecoverable
aversion and a fracture that would be difficult torepair.
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