building. No. It's daunting because of the way those Men Who Love Man
Stuff treat a woman like me, who just wants to buy a dang kayak.
Like a poor little birdie who fell from her nest.
Probably a little like how Dr P felt when he walked into Gus Mayer to
buy me some Tory Burch flats for my birthday. Except he doesn't have
pride issues like I do.
I don't like feeling like a poor little birdie. I like feeling like I
know what the hell I'm doing, even when I don't know what the hell I'm
doing. I've got a lot of Super Dave (my dad) in me, it seems. But when
Super Dave walks into the Bass Pro Shop, no one looks at him like a
little birdie. They look at him like a MAN who wantsto buy some Man
Stuff.
So I put on my most serious "Super Dave" face, flung my shoulders
back, and waltzed through those doors like I owned the place. I was
greeted bya patronizing older man who asked if I needed any help. THE
NERVE! He didn't ask the man in the camouflage pants and the
construction boots who had walked in just ahead of me!
I confidently replied, "No thanks!" and made a quickvisual sweep of
the warehouse of MAN. I pointed myself in the direction of "Boating,"
andconfidently strode toward it.
A kayak is a boat, right?
Right????
No. According to Bass Pro Shop, it's a "Camping Equipment." Minus one
point for me. Already feeling idiotic, I was escorted aaaaaaall the
way across to the other side of the store, where the kayaks are kept.
Right next to the tents and the cast iron skillets. Makes sense.
(NOT!)
But the rest of the transaction went fine. Thank goodness I came
prepared with a rope and a razor blade to cut the rope ... I was asked
those two questions immediately, and was given an approving look when
I nonchalantly explained that I had both in the car. Plus two points
for me!
Two young men came out to help me load the kayak after I purchased it.
Our"plan A" was to fit it into the car, rather than on top,sliding it
into the back hatch and up into the front passenger seat. The kayak
almost fit inside the car. The glass part of the back hatch had to
remain open about 1 inch to allow for the protruding stern. One of the
boys helping me tied the glass window shut using the rope I brought,
and I was off!
But driving with a kayak in your passenger seat is not an easy task.
It covered the back window, the passenger side rearview mirror, the
main rearview mirror, and everywindow on the passenger side of the
car. So I had only the windshield and the driver-side window to
utilize during the 25-mile drive home on the interstate.
But as long as I drove slowly and stayed in the right lane, all would
be fine. Right?
No. Because as soon as I left the entrance ramp andgained a little
speed, the back hatch flew open. Yes. Flew open.
ON THE INTERSTATE.
Let me tell you what happens when someone opens a window of a swiftly
moving vehicle that I'm riding in. My left eardrum goes absolutely
berserk. It turns itself into a REAL drum, and the car's uneven air
pressure becomes the drumstick beating on the inside of MY HEAD.
People, the PAIN,I am telling you!
So I knew I had a problem as soon as my eardrum became the Hudson High
School Marching Band.
I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the open air behind me, and
the kayak teetering on the edge of the gate. I knew itwould be very,
very bad ....possibly deadly for the person behind me, if that kayak
were to somehow fly out of the open back window. So I wrapped my arm
inside the cockpit of the kayak, cursed the idiotwho had tied the
window closed, and prayed that the next exit wasn't too far down the
road.
Then it started pouring SHEETS OF RAIN.
This ain't no joke.
I put my flashers on and pulled off at the next exit very slowly. I
got out and walked around to the backof the car in the pouring rain,
and simply closed thehatch. Something must have shifted while
driving,and suddenly the kayak fitinto the car without having to
re-tie the window shut. Simple as that. Hallelujah.
Then I drove home through the torrential downpour, trying to
avoidswitching lanes too much. I only had to move to the right lane
twice, and both times I honked my"friendly honk" profusely (beep!
beep! beep! beep!) as I switched lanes. Yes, I was stared at. (Look!
Crazylady with a boat as her passenger honking like a maniac at 3
o'clock!) But I got home safely, and that's all that matters.
And you guys, Dr P loves this thing. He was so happy when I showed
himlast night. And this morning he was running late for work, and
still found time to go downstairs and stare at the thing for a few
minutes.
This morning I went to Walmart and found some proper kayak straps, and
tied her to the roof. We're headed to the beach for the weekend this
afternoon, and we can't wait to try it out! Wish us luck ...
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