to be followed so that we can make a real change in the behavior of
our children, andconvince them to help us make that change.
5- Listen to him attentively.
In order for the adolescent to tell you about what is in his/her mind,
you have to listen to him/her well to the end. By so doing, you would
be able to make an accurate assessment ofthe situation, on the basis
of which you would suitably direct him/her to the right course of
action. You should note that Allaah The Almighty has created two ears
and one mouth for you so you can listen twice as much as you talk.
The skill of listening should be learnt, and there are ways to express
to the adolescent that he is being listened to well, including:
1- To look attentively but not staring in the face of the adolescent.
2- To show understanding of what he is saying, by nodding the head and
employing simple facial expressions showing the emotions, positively
or negatively.
3- To reduce any factors that may interrupt the talk, such as to look
at or engage oneself with something else other than the adolescent, or
getting up to do something and then returning to him, or any similar
action.
Here, the correct understanding of the meaning of the words thechild
or adolescent should be accurately verified, by raising the following
questions which imply attention on the one hand, and confirm the
correct understanding on the other hand:
1- Give me an example to illustrate what you want to say.
2- How do you feel about this situation? What would you like to do?
3- What is the significance of this word/movement/behavior?
4- How important is this incident?
5- Do you have anything else to say?
6- Give him freedom of choice
If you want to get a good outcome from the dialogue, let your child
actually share it with you.
Why do you not give him an opportunity to share his opinion even in
the manner in which he will be punished for his mistake and
negligence?
Areas of choice:
A - The way of solving the problem
B - The amount, kind and duration of punishment
C - The amount and kind of reward, and how it is obtained
D - How to implement your command.
Beware of humiliating the adolescent, or dashing his hopesand
ambitions on the rock of reality. Give the adolescent an opportunity
to dream and try to realize his dream. Help him move forward, and do
not frustrate him. Beware of accusing him of stupidity and lack of
understanding.
To the parents who are"specialized" in ruining hopes and ambitions I
say: Lift your hands from your children. If you do not support them in
their hopes, at least, do not help the devil in ruining them and
destroying their ambitions and dreams.
7- Reward for achievement and punishment for negligence
What is intended here is to teach the adolescent that there is no
action without a corresponding reaction: if he does well, he will be
rewarded; and if he does badly, he will be punished.
Rewarding is to give the adolescent what he likes and wishes for in a
way that is equal to the work he has done. Similarly, the forms of
punishment should be determined, such as to forbid him from something
he likes, punish him with a verbal reproach or corporal punishment
within the due limits of the Sharee'ah (Islamic legislation), look at
him (with a disapproving look), deprive him of some rights especially
those promised to be given to him as areward for achievement.
8- The door is open so come to us (at any time you like)
Since the gate of repentance will remain open until the sun rises from
its place of setting, then, why should we close the gate of atonement
in the face ofour children? Why do we reject their repeated attempts
at reform, but instead hasten to have them lose all hope?
9- Supplication
You should keep in mind that your invocation (of evil) upon your child
is responded to by Allaah The Almighty, as stated inthe Prophetic
Hadeeth (narration). What, then, would the case be if it is a
supplication of good for him? Thus, do not let this opportunity escape
you, but stick to it and persevere instead.
You should have a good assumption of your Lord that He will respond to
you (as confirmed by Him in His Saying what means): {And your Lord
Says: "Call upon Me; I will respond to you."} [Quran 40:60]
10- A compassionate paternal touch along with a motivating word
To touch the hair of the head and the face, to kiss, to embracethe
child, and say to him such words as "I want to understand you", "I am
proud of you", "I am here whenever you need me", "Ilove you": and
other such words motivate children to strive their utmost, even though
they cost you nothing.