a compulsion to harm yourself, nor a justification for harming others.
For example, no Muslim should openly manifest his immoral actions or
past. It was narrated that Saalim ibn 'Abd-Allah said: I heard Abu
Hurayrah say: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of
Allah be upon him) say:
"All of my Ummah will be fine except for those whocommit sins openly.
Part of committing sins openly is when a man does something at night
and Allah conceals it, but in the morning he says, 'O So-and-so, last
night I did such and such.' His Lord had covered his sin all night,
but in the morning he removed the cover of Allah." (Narrated by
al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)
In my capacity as an editor of IslamcAnswers.com, I have often been
anonymously asked some version of this question: "I lived a sinful
lifestyle at one point, including committing zinaa, but I have
repented. Now I am engaged to be married andmy fiancé wants to know
about my past. What should I say? If I tell him/her everything, he may
break off the engagement, but if I lie then I'll be building a future
on a foundation of dishonesty."
My response is that one should give a reply along these lines: "My
past is between me and Allah. For whatever sins I have committed, I
have asked Allah's forgiveness and continue to do so. I will notsay
more. Please judge me according to the person I am now, just as I will
do with you."
If that response is not satisfactory to the other person and he
continues topry, I guarantee you he is not good husband (or
wife)material for you. If you don't tell him everything, he will
continue to harangue you endlessly. And if you do, he will be jealous
and probably neverforgive you. No one needs that kind of judgment in
life.
Of course if something material has resulted from past mistakes – for
example if one has a child from a past relationship, orhas acquired an
STD – then that must be revealed, as these are things that will affect
a spouse in a continuing way.
Truth Builds Rock-Solid Friendships
As far as harming others, Abu Musa Al-Ash`ari (May Allah be pleased
with him) reported: I asked the Messenger of Allah (pbuh): "Who is the
most excellent among the Muslims?" He said, "One from whose tongue and
hands the other Muslims are secure." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
If you see your brother making a serious mistake, correct him in the
kindest possible way. That is a form of honesty. If you have nothing
good to say, stay silent. That too is is an aspect of truth telling.
No matter what, do not be needlessly hurtful.
Telling the truth in this way creates strong and healthy friendships,
because it builds trust. Realfriends don't just tell you what you want
to hear. They don't say, "Oh yeah, you're great, that's wonderful,"
when inside they're thinking, "What a crazy thing to do," or, "What is
he up to now?"
But they're not cruel or harsh either. They tell you the truth kindly.
If they think you're doing something harmful, they tell you with
compassion. When you have a friend like that, you know you can trust
every word out ofhis/her mouth, so when your friend compliments
orsupports you it means something and lifts your spirit, because you
know it's from the heart.
Real friends are not saccharine-sweet liars, nor are they relentlessly
negative. They see the good in you, they appreciate you and let you
know it, but when you need some honest advice they are there with the
right words.
And I'll tell you something: most people respect truth-tellers, even
if they don't agree with what's being said.
The other key component is that real friends are discreet. Many years
ago I had two good friends – I'll call them Ali and Mo (not their real
names) – who were given scholarships to study at the Islamic
University of Madinah. Theyleft together. After some time I heard a
rumor that Mo had gotten in some trouble in Saudi Arabia andhad been
arrested and jailed. I did not know the details. When Ali returned to
California for summer break, I asked him, "What happened to Mo? Tell
me the whole story." To my great frustration, Ali would not reveal a
single detail. All he said was, "The Saudi authorities are planning to
deport Mo; when he returns you can ask him yourself." Mo was my friend
too, I was concernedabout him. Plus, I admit that it was such a juicy
piece of gossip that I could not resist. But Ali would not budge, even
though I was several years older than him and had been likea brother
to him for years.
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