myshare of mistakes and I still struggle not to be judgmental or
reactive. But I've also had experiences that have shown me the way
forward. One was with my former sister-in-law, Crystal. I am divorced
now, but I was married for ten years. Laura (my ex-wife) and her
family were not Muslim, and her family had their reservations about
our marriage. Her mother expressed a fear that I would kidnap our
future children and take them to Egypt (even though I've never lived
in Egypt). "Like Sally Field in 'Not Without my Daughter'", she said.
One day I was at a restaurant with Laura, her mother and her sister.
When the waiter came to our table, he said to me, "As-salamu alaykum."
I did not know him, but I was wearing a kufi and had a beard. I
replied, "Wa alaykum as-salam." Crystal began laughing, and after the
dinner was over, when we were going to the car, she began saying,
"Salami, salami, baloney."
At the time I was in a mental statewhere I was fed up with bigotry. I
had experienced a lot of it, and Ihad no more patience for it. I told
Crystal that her behavior was rude and bigoted. She got extremely
angry, and after that I was a persona non-grata at my in-laws' house.
I was not invited to their home for any reason, andthere was no
communication whatsoever between me and them for more than a year.
After that my mother-in-law reached out to me tentatively, and
offereda makeshift apology, which I accepted. But Crystal remained
angry.
Later, Laura and I moved to Panama. The place where we lived was so
beautiful and peaceful, and the natives were so accepting of us, that
I found my heart healing. The in-laws still didn't quite accept me –
in fact Laura's father came to visit once and told me angrily that my
religion was ridiculous and backwards – but I found that it did not
bother me so much. WhenI returned to the USA for a visit I spoke to
Crystal. I said, "I apologize for my attitude in the past. I love you
and your family. You all mean a lot to me." I said that sincerely,
holding in my mindall the good I had experienced from Crystal over the
years, and forgiving the bad.
From that moment on, my relationship with Crystal was transformed. She
came to visit us in Panama and had a great time. After my divorce,
when I returned to California, Crystal actually began attending my
martial arts class. She became more open minded, began exploring
religious thinking outside of the narrow Christian fundamentalist box
she had always lived in. I'm not saying that any of that is because of
me. But what I can attest to is that ever since I gathered the resolve
to say to her, "I love you and I value you," she has not showed ahint
of bigotry or anger toward me, and in fact has become a pleasant
person to relate to.
I"m afraid I may be telling a string of random stories here. I don't
know if I'm communicating this thesis I have, this understanding, that
sincere love is transformational. When you can love someone without
desire,expectation, or judgment, it utterly changes your relationship
with that person, even with thosewho hate you. I believe this is
theessence of faith. It is the heart of da'wah. It is the Golden Rule.
I have given examples of one-on-one interaction, but I believe that
love and kindness can work their wonders just as well when it's one to
a thousand, or ten to a million, just as a single great ocean wave can
flood a whole city, except that love is a good flood that washes away
the fires of hatred.
Lead the Way
Do you want to see something different in the world? Show it. Do you
want to see things moving in a better direction? Then get stepping and
walk it, and I guarantee that others will follow, because they have
seen the problems as well, and they arewaiting for someone to lead the
way.
Do you want to be a better Muslim, father, mother, son, daughter,
sibling, or friend? Then be it. Now is the moment. The past is
prologue leading to this moment.
Are you waiting for someone elseto show love and kindness first? Are
you waiting for someone elseto be vulnerable or brave, to put himself
out there, to take the first step, to show the way? There is no
someone else. You are the someone else. You… are… someone.
Le'ts open ourselves to faith, love and kindness. Let's change the way
we move in the world, the way we behave with Allah, the way we treat
people, the way we interact with every person. Let us become
testaments to the power of these transformative behaviors, not through
our words but through our actions. Let's express a new sincerity from
our hearts and walk through the world like believers. Let's become
people of Allah, people of Jannah (Paradise), people of imaan (faith),
love and mercy
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