I don't mean to portray myself as an enlightened soul. I've made my
share ofmistakes and I still strugglenot to be judgmental or reactive.
But I've also had experiences that have shown me the way forward. One
was with my former sister-in-law, Crystal. I am divorced now, but I
was married for ten years. Laura (my ex-wife) and her family were not
Muslim, and her family had their reservations about our marriage. Her
mother expressed a fear that I would kidnap our future children and
take them to Egypt (even though I've never lived in Egypt). "Like
Sally Field in 'Not Without my Daughter'", she said.
One day I was at a restaurant with Laura, her mother and her sister.
When the waiter came to our table, he said to me, "As-salamu alaykum."
I did not know him, but I was wearing a kufi and had a beard. I
replied, "Wa alaykum as-salam." Crystal began laughing, and after the
dinner was over, when we were going to the car, she began saying,
"Salami, salami, baloney."
At the time I was in a mental state where I was fed up with bigotry. I
had experienced a lot of it, and I had no more patience for it. I told
Crystal that her behavior was rude and bigoted. She got
extremelyangry, and after that I was a persona non-grata at my
in-laws' house. I was not invited to their home for any reason, and
there was no communication whatsoever between me and them for more
than a year. After that my mother-in-law reached out to me
tentatively, and offered a makeshift apology, which I accepted. But
Crystal remained angry.
Later, Laura and I moved toPanama. The place where we lived was so
beautiful and peaceful, and the natives were so accepting of us, that
I found my hearthealing. The in-laws still didn't quite accept me – in
fact Laura's father came to visit once and told me angrily that my
religion was ridiculous and backwards – but I found that it did not
bother me so much. When I returned to the USA for a visit I spoke to
Crystal. I said, "I apologize for my attitude in the past. I love you
and your family. You all mean alot to me." I said that sincerely,
holding in my mind all the good I had experienced from Crystal over
the years, and forgiving the bad.
From that moment on, my relationship with Crystal was transformed. She
cameto visit us in Panama and had a great time. After my divorce, when
I returned toCalifornia, Crystal actually began attending my martial
arts class. She became more open minded, began exploring religious
thinking outside of the narrow Christian fundamentalist box she had
always lived in. I'm notsaying that any of that is because of me. But
what I can attest to is that ever since I gathered the resolveto say
to her, "I love you and I value you," she has not showed a hint of
bigotry or anger toward me, and in fact has becomea pleasant person to
relate to.
I"m afraid I may be telling a string of random stories here. I don't
know if I'm communicating this thesis Ihave, this understanding, that
sincere love is transformational. When you can love someone without
desire, expectation, or judgment, it utterly changes your relationship
with that person, even with those who hate you. I believe this is the
essence of faith. It is the heart of da'wah. It is the Golden Rule.
I have given examples of one-on-one interaction, but I believe that
love and kindness can work their wonders just as well when it's one to
a thousand, or ten to a million, just as a single great ocean wave can
flood a whole city, except that love is a good flood that washes away
the fires of hatred.
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:-> :->
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