a major problem which is going through. My mother is very friendly
with us and she used to tell us all her secrets. She tells us that she
loves my uncle more than my father. Even though my uncle and his
family lives in another country, he comes to this country every month
for business purposes and stays in our house. My mother never talks to
him directly as my father doesn't like talking with non-mahram. but
she sends mail , messages and even chat with him . She tells us that
he loves her back. I am not quite sure whether my uncle loves her back
or not. But he responds to her chats, mails and messages. My father
knows that my mother loves his brother, he never says it openly but
shows that he knows about it indirectly. My father even sometimes asks
me whether my mother has any other email id apart from the one he
knows and asks me the password of my mother's mail id. But my mother
has warned me not to tell such things. My father's temper will rise
when my uncle is at home and he will be angry with all of us. I have
openly told my mother that such things are haram but she says that as
far as she don't talk to him directly its all fine. She asks me and my
sisters to translate the love quotes for her and we used to do that as
she is our mother. she also ask our assistance to chat with my uncle.
Because of all this, my love towards my mother is decreasing day by
day. I sometimes won't feel like listening to my mother even though my
heart wants to obey her. Once, I told my mother that I want my parents
to love each other and not any one else, I was crying as I could no
more withstand this situation and there was an argument between me and
my mother. My sister advised me not to express my views on this matter
openly to my mother as it will hurt her feelings. She told me that, My
mother had undergone alot of torture from my father and from his
relatives (especially from the same uncle's wife). She loved my father
so much but he didn't give her the same back, and even now, sometimes
my father says some harsh words to my mother. she is very sensitive
and all this may alter her state of consciousness , this love towards
my uncle may be a relief for her from all this and will set her heart
at peace. So I apologized to my mother and she forgave me. I used to
pray to Allah to increase my love towards my mother and help me to
obey her. I doubt that if the situation continues as such, it will
create huge problems in our family.
1. Is what she is doing acceptable based on her situation?
2. If no, how can I make my mother understand the consequences she is
going to face because of this in this life and in the hereafter, in
such a way that it won't hurt her feelings.
3. Is it harm for me to obey my mother in some matters where I doubt
or I am sure that she uses it for the purpose of pleasing my uncle. If
so, How can I tell her that I can't do it.
4. As there was some argument and difference of opinion between me and
my mother on this matter , how can I please her and acquire Allah's
love.
-
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
All the individuals involved in this situation are wrong and are
committing sin, and perhaps you have been the most wrong of all, for
several reasons. You are the one who has been writing these sinful
love letters for your mother; you have been concealing this from your
father and have even lied to him, telling him that nothing is going
on; you did not advise your uncle to refrain from doing haraam things,
namely going against the teachings of his religion and betraying his
brother. You did not confront your mother frankly and make her give up
this foolish and haraam action – in fact you regarded her action and
her justification for it as just an opinion, as opposed to your
opinion that her action is not justified, when in fact the issue is
one of whims and desires as opposed to a shar'i ruling. You even tried
to spare her feelings so that she would not be upset if you refused to
do her bidding and write haraam letters to your uncle and correspond
with him in her name.
All of that leads us to fear that you are the most sinful of all the
individuals involved. You could have put a stop to this evil
immediately, by confronting your mother and telling her frankly that
what she is doing is haraam, that it is not permissible for her to
carry on with it, that her justifications for it are not acceptable in
terms of either sharee'ah or reasoning, and that you would inform your
father if she continued this sinful relationship with your uncle. You
could also have put a stop to this evil by confronting your uncle with
his evil deeds and telling him that a person like him could not be
entrusted with people's honour; by threatening him that if he
continued this action, you would tell your father about what he is
doing and you would prevent him from entering your house. You could
also have put an end to this evil by telling your father about the
details of the matter so that he could do what Allah has enjoined upon
him of advising his family members. We do not advise you to tell your
father unless your mother or your uncle persist in this sinful
relationship between them. If they give up that relationship then
there is no need to tell your father about it. But if they persist in
it – or if one of them persists – then you do not have the option of
remaining silent; rather you must – whilst also continuing to advise
and exhort them – tell your father so that he can put a stop to this
sinful relationship, even if that leads to him divorcing his wife or
cutting off ties with his brother and banning him from entering his
house.
Secondly:
We are doubtful about your saying that your father knows about your
mother's relationship with your uncle and that the matter is out of
his hands. If we assume that the matter is as you say, and that your
father knows what is really going on between his wife and his brother,
but he is keeping quiet about it and is not doing what the situation
requires, then this is a case of cuckoldry. He has the power to advise
his wife, or to shun her, or to hit her; he also has the power to ban
his brother from entering his house, or to cut off communications in
his house. What makes us doubt that he knows about this relationship
is the fact that your mother has been trying to conceal it from him,
and he asks you and you deny it. As for his stress, it may be an
indication of his doubt; it does not indicate that he knows what is
really going on, especially since you say that your mother does not
talk to him face-to-face when he visits you. We are certain that if he
knew about this haraam relationship, he would act as is befitting for
the head of a religiously committed family, as you claim to be.
Thirdly:
One of the clear rulings of sharee'ah is that it is haraam to
cooperate and help in sin and transgression, or to obey if doing so
involves sin. There is no obedience to anyone if it involves
disobedience towards Allah, even if the one who is issuing these
orders is a mother or father; rather obedience is only in that which
is right and proper.
Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
"Help you one another in Al‑Birr and At‑Taqwa (virtue, righteousness
and piety); but do not help one another in sin and transgression. And
fear Allaah. Verily, Allaah is Severe in punishment"
[al-Maa'idah 5:2]
And it was narrated from 'Ali that the Messenger of Allah (blessings
and peace of Allah be upon him) said: "There is no obedience if it
involves disobedience towards Allah; rather obedience is only in that
which is right and proper."
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6830; Muslim, 1840.
Based on that, it is not permissible for you to hesitate about
refusing to obey your mother and doing that evil action with regard to
the sinful relationship between her and your uncle. Her justification
for that is not acceptable and it is not even worth paying attention
to.
And Allah knows best.
-
by,
नाजीमुडेन एम इंडिया
