Engagment, Dought & clear, - * How sound is the report which says “Choose for your daughters what you choose for your sons”?

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I heard one of the imams at the mosque say: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Choose for your daughters what you choose for your sons”. I have looked in all the references and I could not find any report of this hadeeth as the imam said it. I think that it may be a report from the Sahaabah (may Allaah be pleased with them). Please tell us. May Allaah reward you with all good.
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Praise be to Allaah.
Daughters are a trust which has been placed with the father. Allaah commands the father to take care of this trust and look after it. Undoubtedly choosing a righteous husband for her is one of the greatest means by which a father may protect his daughter, because marriage is a major move in a person’s life towards peace, tranquility and happiness, so it is essential to make the right choice in order to achieve these hopes.
The wise father is the one who strives to achieve this great aim for his daughter, and does not feel at ease until he finds her a husband who is of good character and religiously committed, who will look after her and take care of her. When he finds him, he does not hesitate to offer his daughter to him in marriage, because he sees that that is in her best interests.
In the Qur'aan and Sunnah there are noble examples of guardians who chose husbands for their daughters and sisters, and who were a means of bringing them happiness, and they avoided waiting for too long.
Allaah tells us the story of Moosa (peace be upon him), when he came to the well of Madyan and drew water for the two women out of compassion towards them. When their father came to know of the trustworthiness and strength of Moosa – which was before his mission began – he offered one of his daughters in marriage to him. Allaah says, telling us of that (interpretation of the meaning):
“He said: ‘I intend to wed one of these two daughters of mine to you, on condition that you serve me for eight years; but if you complete ten years, it will be (a favour) from you. But I intend not to place you under a difficulty. If Allaah wills, you will find me one of the righteous’”
[al-Qasas 28:27]
In the Sunnah we have another example that was narrated by Imam al-Bukhaari (5122) in a chapter entitled “A man offering his daughter or sister in marriage to good people.” And al-Nasaa’i (3248) narrated it in a chapter entitled “A man offering his daughter in marriage to one with whom he is pleased.”
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Umar that ‘Umar said:
Hafsah’s husband Khunays ibn Hudhaafah, who was one of the companions of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and had been present at Badr, died in Madeenah. I met ‘Uthmaan ibn ‘Affaan and offered Hafsah to him in marriage. I said: If you wish, I will marry Hafsah bint ‘Umar to you. He said: I will think about it. Several nights passed, then he said: I think that I do not want to get married at this time. ‘Umar said: Then I met Abu Bakr and I said: If you wish, I will marry Hafsah bint ‘Umar to you. Abu Bakr kept quiet and did not give me any response. I was more upset about him than about ‘Uthmaan. Several nights passed, then the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) proposed to her and I married her to him. Then Abu Bakr met me and said: Perhaps you felt upset when you offered Hafsah in marriage to me and I did not reply? I said: Yes. He said: Nothing prevented me from responding to your offer but the fact that I knew that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had mentioned her, and I did not want to disclose the secret of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). If he had decided not to marry her, I would have accepted your offer.
Al-Haafiz ibn Hajar said, listing the things that we learn from this hadeeth inFath al-Baari(9/222):
From it we learn that a man may offer his daughter or other female relative under his guardianship in marriage to one who he thinks is good or suitable, because of the benefit that this will bring to the woman who is offered in marriage, and there should be no embarrassment in that. End quote.
There are many examples in history, among the best of which is that which is mentioned by al-Dhahabi inSiyar A’lam al-Nubala’(4/233) about Sa’eed ibn al-Musayyab marrying his daughter to his student Katheer ibn al-Muttalib, in which he says:
I used to sit with Sa’eed ibn al-Musayyab, and I was absent for a few days. When I came to him he said: Where were you? I said: My wife died and I was busy with her (funeral arrangements). He said: Why didn’t you tell us so that we could have attended (her funeral)? Then he said: Have you found a new wife? I said: May Allaah have mercy on you; who would marry me when I have no more than two or three dirhams? He said: I will (give you my daughter in marriage). I said: Would you do that? He said: Yes, then he praised Allaah and sent blessings on the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and he gave me his daughter in marriage for two dirhams – or he said, three – and I got up and I did not know what to do out of joy. Then I went home and started to think about where to borrow money from.
I prayed Maghrib, then I went back home, and I was fasting by myself. I prepared my supper and I broke my fast, with bread and olive oil. Then there was a knock at the door and I said: Who is it? He said: Sa’eed. I thought of everyone whose name was Sa’eed except Ibn al-Musayyab, for he had not been seen for forty years anywhere except his home and the mosque. I went out and there was Sa’eed, and I thought that he had changed his mind. I said: O Abu Muhammad, why didn’t you send for me so that I would come to you? He said: No, you have more right that I should come to you, for you were a single man then you got married, and I would not like for you to spend the night alone. Here is your wife. And she was standing behind him and was as tall as him. Then he took her by the hand and pushed her towards the door, and closed the door. The woman fell down out of shyness, and news of that reached my mother, so she came and said: I will never speak to you if you touch her before I have prepared her in three days. So I waited for three days, then I consummated the marriage with her, and she is one of the most beautiful of people, and has memorized the Book of Allaah, and is one of the most knowledgeable about the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and about the rights of the husband. End quote.
Homes filled with religious commitment, knowledge, etiquette and happiness have been built in this way, and shyness did not prevent anyone from acquiring a righteous husband for his daughter or sister. Their attitude was one of humility, generosity and sincerity.
Perhaps the examples mentioned above will provide a good example for people of our own time, and Allaah is the One Whose help we seek.
Secondly:
As for the hadeeth quoted by this khateeb, in which it says “Choose for your daughters what you choose for your sons,” this is not a hadeeth from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and I did not find anything like this narrated from any of the Sahaabah or Taabi’een. Rather it is a proverb or saying that people use among themselves. Attributing it to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is a serious and grievous mistake which oversteps the limit by telling a lie about the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “Whoever tells a lie about me deliberately, let him take his place in Hell.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (110) and Muslim (3).
And Allaah knows best.

PUBLISHERM.NajimudeeN. MD,IRI

Engagment, Dought & clear, - * Her father refuses to marry her to this young man and she loves him

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I have a problem and I hope you can help me. A young man of good character who is religiously committed came to propose marriage to me, and he is financially well off too, and to be frank, I love him. But my father refused for reasons that are not convincing; he says that he does not like the people of the city that this young man comes from!
I prayed istikhaarah, asking Allaah for guidance, but I do not know what to do. Please advise me, may Allaah reward you.
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Praise be to Allaah.
Do not worry, every problem may be insignificant except a problem concerning one’s religious commitment. May Allaah not cause our problems to be concerning our religious commitment.
The Muslim knows that this world is the arena of trials and tests, and that when he accepts trials and tests and faces them with patience and acceptance of the will and decree of Allaah, then they become gifts for him from the Lord of the Worlds, which cause him to rise in status and expiate his sins.
Imam Ahmad (21833) and Abu Dawood (3090) narrated from Abu Khaalid al-Sulami (may Allaah be pleased with him) that he went out to visit one of his brothers, and he heard that he was sick. He entered upon him and said: “I came as a visitor, to visit you in your sickness and bring glad tidings.”
He said: “How can you combine all of that?”
He said: “I came out, intending to visit you, then I heard that you were sick, so now I am visiting you in your sickness. And I give you the glad tidings of something that I heard from the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who said: “If Allaah decrees that a person should reach a status that his deeds cannot help him to reach, He tests him with regard to his physical health or his wealth or his child, then He causes him to be patient until he reaches that status that He has decreed for him.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inal-Saheehah(2599) on the basis of corroborating reports.
You should note that Allaah has not prescribed for a Muslim woman to arrange her own marriage, rather He has stipulated that her wali (guardian) should be the one who arranges her marriage. He has prescribed that out of mercy towards His slaves, so as protect their interests which may be lost whenever people become negligent with regard to that. You must have heard the stories of marriages based on that (love marriages) and how their lives turned into distress and regret, if the marriage even survived.
But we do not need to learn from experience in order to obey the command of our Lord or to know the benefits, both spiritual and worldly, that that brings to us. The role of the believer when faced with the command of Allaah is to say “We hear and we obey.” See questions no. 2127and 31119for the conditions of the wali for marriage.
What we advise you is not to insist on what you think is right and do not let emotion sway you when making decisions. Do not look at your problem alone, rather seek the help of a sincere and trustworthy family member or relative, who knows you and him, and who is liked by your father and whose opinion your father trusts.
Then pray istikhaarah to Allaah and remember, when you ask your Lord for guidance by praying istikhaarah, turning sincerely to Him and expressing your need for His help and guidance, that Allaah decrees nothing but good for His slave, whether His decree is in accordance with what you like and want or not. For the believer’s affair is all good. So be content with whatever Allaah decrees for you.
You can also seek the help of someone who can convince your father to let you marry the one you want, if his religious commitment and character are as you describe.
In order to benefit from that, you have to give your father time to think, and so not try to force your father to make a decision too soon. In other words, I do not advise you to insist too strongly on marrying this suitor from the outset. Do not try to start an argument with your father which may lead to him forbidding you and being harsh. Rather you should only deal with him in a gentle manner, and give him the impression that you accept his decision, such as saying, “You are my father and my guardian, and you know what is in my best interests, so I hope that you will think again,” and other such words that leave room for discussion. Do not seek a hasty answer from your father. The longer it takes, the more likely there will be a solution, in sha Allaah.
But before and after all that, I think that you have the best solution in sha Allaah, which is undoubtedly more beneficial than all that we have mentioned above, and I do not think that it will fail. That is turning to Allaah and making du’aa’. I do not mean only saying du’aa’, I mean turning to Him and beseeching Him, asking Him for goodness, relief and help. When Allaah sees that you are sincere in your du’aa’, He will give you want you want, by His leave. How can it be otherwise when He is the Most Kind, Most Generous?
Although you are feeling so critical of your father and regarding him as the one who is preventing you from marrying this man, we would not like you to forget that the relationship between a man and a non-mahram woman can only reach this degree of emotional attachment if there has been a great deal of neglect concerning the sacred limits set by Allaah, with regard to speaking, promising and looking.
You have to fear Allaah in secret and in the open, and beware of losing your religious commitment, which is the true calamity. A husband may come and go, wealth may be acquired and lost, but all of that is insignificant in comparison to losing your religious commitment.
If either of you has done any such thing, then hasten to repent from it. Allaah may be withholding your father’s acceptance until He sees that you are both sincere in adhering to His Commands. Doesn’t Allaah say in His Book:
“And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty).
3. And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allaah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allaah has set a measure for all things”
[al-Talaaq 65:2-3]?
And Allaah knows best.

PUBLISHERM.NajimudeeN. MD,IRI